You know that urge you get to clean when you walk into a room and it is messy? That monthly, weekly, or daily game plan to keep things clean. That satisfaction you get when it’s done? Yeah, I don’t have that. I never have. I am a struggling homemaker.

Ever since I was little I can remember my mom nagging and nagging to clean my room. I have always been girly and creative. I had tons of art supplies, teddy bears, dolls and the clothes to go with, makeup and dress up clothes. It covered my whole room; overflowed from my toy box, scattered all over the floor, and snicked its way under my bed. And to be honest, it never really bothered me- and kinda still doesn’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the minimalist aesthetic, love looking at beautifully clean and decorated spaces, I love walking into a friends house who just has it all together. It’s just that no matter how hard I have tried to get better at being organized, clean, and on to of the everyday mess, I just haven’t been able to do it for long. Something always just gets in the way; going to visit long distant family, a weekend of weddings, going to a friend’s party, or just being tired by the end of the week. I know it is all excuses when it comes down to it- so many more people have more struggles. Who am I to say I am tired or don’t have time? I work from home, every day, and don’t have kids. I have cats- I don’t need to even let them out to go to the bathroom.

Ever since I was young I knew what I wanted. I wanted to get married to a loving man, to have a job that is creative and am proud of, to one day to adopt children, and for me to be able to be a stay at home housewife. Well, here I am with all of that, minus children (but hopefully in the next couple of years), and I feel lost. My mom had it all down. She was able to stay at home with us for the majority of our youth, always a clean house- deep cleaned, always a full dinner on the table every night, creative projects for my sister and I to do all the time. Even when she started working when we were older she still managed to keep up with everything.

I just am constantly wondering how people have the power to keep their house in order. Planners, checklists, goals, rewards, guilt, praise, daily routines, expert methods. I even have hired a housekeeper to deep clean my house just so I could keep up with it! None have seemed to work. I have just gone back to my old ways of being a slob, surrounded by the mess I created, feeling guilty of how bad of a homemaker I am. My supportive, constantly doting husband works full time for me to be able to work from home, and I can’t even pay him back with a clean house to come home to. The amount of guilt I feel when he comes home after a long, cold day, and the only thing I can give him is a kiss, a homecooked meal, and a mountain of laundry and a sink full of dishes from the week. That feeling is so deep that even as I write this I have a stream of tears pouring out of my eyes.

I am writing to help myself and others in my shoes. To maybe help keep myself accountable as I am trying to better myself and family. Be able to comfortably have friends or family over unexpectedly, and actually invite them in. To finally feel like I have accomplished something in the day, something somebody can see; unlike the hours I spent editing a wedding gallery, planning my Instagram feed, or making guides for my clients. I also am writing this in hopes that it helps at least one other person. Someone who is also struggling every day to just know that I am right along there with you.